I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
