i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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