Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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