I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
