I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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