it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
