I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Green mimosas i think yes
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
