I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
