My first STD was from a foam party
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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