I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
