census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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