Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I think I won the penis lottery.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
