I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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