and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
