You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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