i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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