I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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