I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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