you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
