im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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