Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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