He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
