i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
