the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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