Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
