I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
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bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
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When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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