I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
