I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
