Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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