Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
