I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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