Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize