my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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