i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
