is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
