Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
