The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
