apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
