last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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