Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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