He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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