the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I pour the whiskey from now on
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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