You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
babies were throwing up all over the place
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
