My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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