I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
