Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
