youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
