Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
