Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The Olympian is in my bed
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
