At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
