Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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