Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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