i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
