I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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