I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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